Even if your romantic relationship with your ex has ended, the fact is that your relationship as co-parents of your children will continue. So now is the time to work together to develop an effective co-parenting plan that works for both of you and is unique to your children’s best interests. An effective co-parenting plan may very well keep you out of court and place the responsibility of caring for your children with you and your ex rather than with a judge. Get started with these helpful tips:

1. Identify the key values ​​you share with your ex about how your children should be raised. For example, maybe you and your ex agree that you both want to be positive role models for your children, or you both value respect for yourself and others and want to pass this on to your children.

2. Make a list of the problems or decisions that your children must make. For example, you may need to decide where your children will attend school, what is the best parenting time for your children, who among you will make decisions regarding doctors, guardians, or other specialists, and how those decisions will be made. This list will change often as your children grow and become more involved in school and extracurricular activities.

3. Develop effective ways to communicate with each other about these and other important issues that arise regarding your children. When you communicate effectively with each other, you establish a positive role model for your children and develop your own strength. For example, during a conversation, go beyond your own personal needs and interests to be fully present in what your ex is saying. Listen to understand where it comes from. When responding, you can first clarify what has been said by beginning your response with “It appears that you said …”. This can be difficult and challenging, particularly in the beginning, but it is worth it. For help with this, I recommend Sharon Ellison’s book, Don’t Be So Defensive: Eliminating the War of Our Words with Powerful Non-Defensive Communication and Getting to Yes: Negotiating a No-Yield Deal by Roger Fisher and Bill Ury.

4. It may be helpful to consult with an experienced family therapist or parenting coach to help you communicate with each other to create an effective parenting arrangement and / or parenting schedule that is unique to your children’s needs. Bring the lists above to use as a guide and be flexible when making any changes. You will be amazed at what a good therapist or coach can accomplish for a fraction of the time and cost of going to court! For a list of local experts for this purpose, please contact me.

5. Keep a journal to record important events that occur while the children are with each of you, particularly if the children are very young. This must be a diary exchanged between the two of you. You can record entries such as the time your child napped each day, what they ate, milestones achieved, such as crawling, running, if your child was sick, or whatever you think is important and helpful for your ex to know.

6. Read the book entitled Mom’s House, Dad’s House: Making two homes for your child by Isolina Ricci, Ph.D. or visit http://www.momshousedadshouse.com. These offer some very valuable tips and additional resources for shared parents.

7. Take advantage of the “Our Family Wizard” website, which includes a calendar for coordinating a shared parenting schedule online, among other tools, to help you communicate effectively with each other. The website can be found at http://www.ourfamilywizard.com. For example, the calendar allows you to enter your child’s activities that have been scheduled, such as birthday parties, extracurricular activities, and school or sporting events so that both of you have access to the schedule. This can help avoid misinformation or miscommunication that could otherwise result in a court request.

The key to successful co-parenting is to be proactive rather than reactive, taking advantage of the many resources available to you.