Parents who engage in high conflict divorce (HCD) expose their children to serious psychological harm. There is no debate on that. It is the reason why HCD should be avoided as much as possible.

Sometimes HDD cannot be avoided. If your spouse suffers from an untreatable or untreated personality disorder or other mental illness, or for some other reason is willing to put the children in jeopardy on the divorce battlefield, they may find themselves in HCD. And you may feel powerless to ease your children’s suffering.

You are not powerless.

Next, you will notice that some of them require agreements between you and your co-parent. That may seem impossible to you. But limited deals aren’t impossible at HCD. There are 2 reasons why:

1. Even the nastiest divorces are between two people who share at least some values ​​that can be used to reach a consensus on some issues.

2. Parents contesting custody may be subject to scrutiny by divorce professionals, such as custody evaluators, children’s attorneys and guardians, parenting coordinators, and attorneys for the other party. Therefore, at some point, it behooves those parents to agree to things that are clearly in their children’s best interest.

For example, if your children don’t know about the divorce yet, suggest to your spouse that the two of you tell the children in a calm and reassuring way. Some chronically conflicted spouses will agree to such a request because they see it as a way they can “score points” with a judge.

Here are 10 ways a well-intentioned parent caught up in HCD can lessen its impact on children.

one. recognize and treat signs of distress in your children.

Watch for the following behavioral changes that may indicate anxiety, stress, insecurity, or depression in children:

Altered sleeping or eating habits

Decreased school performance

Frequent, sudden, or wide-ranging mood swings

Acting in anger, aggression, or defiance

Retirement of family and friends.

Lethargy or disinterest

Childish or other regressive behavior.

become accident prone

Excessive attention to parents, which may indicate that the child blames himself for the divorce.

If you observe such behavior, contact a mental health professional. Also consider consulting with a divorce coach to help you improve communication with your children and address your concerns about the divorce.

two. reassure your children.

Tell your children that you love them, that the divorce is in no way their fault, and that you will be there to help them get through it. Review those topics as the divorce progresses.

3. Keep your kids off the battlefield.

Don’t argue in front of the children. Don’t complain about your other parent at the breakfast table, on Facebook, or anywhere else. That increases anxiety that causes lasting emotional damage to children. Beyond that, remember that your behavior is the model for how your children will handle the difficult situations they may face when they become parents.

Four. He passed Far of your buttons!

Spouses in dysfunctional marriages know well how to expose each other’s vulnerabilities and provoke each other’s anger. Use that knowledge to avoid pushing your spouse’s buttons, because anything that increases conflict increases the chances of harm to your children.

Use what you know about your spouse to avoid confrontations and plan an escape route from those you can’t. For example, limit face-to-face encounters with your quarrelsome spouse by arranging for kids to be picked up at school or extracurricular activities instead of at your home. If that’s not practical, swap the kids in a public place where arguments are less likely to happen or get out of control, and where you can make a quick exit if necessary.

5. Try to resolve your divorce issues as quickly as possible..

Make sure you meet all deadlines for the production of documents and information, and be available for hearing dates, meetings with the professionals involved, statements, etc. The sooner your divorce is finalized, the better it will be for your children.

6. Promptly confirm in writing agreed deviations from parenting schedules or other arrangements you make with your spouse.

Not all problems caused by spouses hell-bent on creating havoc cannot be avoided. But confirming the discussions in writing can make it more difficult or costly for your spouse to claim unawareness of a schedule change, or that you failed to give notice of a teachers’ meeting. A quick email or text message can prevent many of these “misunderstandings” and spare your children the additional conflict they create. Online co-parenting tools including message boards like ourfamilywizard.com can also be very helpful.

7. Make sure interim and final custody and access agreements contain enough detail to avoid misunderstandings and tampering.

Agreements that lack sufficient detail are invitations for conflicting parents to create confusion, cross vague boundaries, and otherwise give vent to their need to fight. Capable attorneys can at least reduce the chances of disputes and obstruction. If you can’t afford an attorney to represent you, find out if your state allows “unbundled” or “discrete duty” representation whereby you can hire one to perform specific, limited tasks, such as drafting agreements.

8. Using lawyers as firefighters.

If you and your spouse are represented by an attorney, ask your attorney to come up with ground rules for your spouse’s attorney that can reduce stress for your children and avoid putting them in situations where they feel they must “take sides.” Such rules may include prohibitions against disparaging the other parent or using the children as messengers, and methods for handling a parent’s or child’s unavailability for scheduled time together.

Your spouse may well try to evade or manipulate the rules to their advantage. But your spouse’s attorney may now feel some responsibility to control his client. And any restrictions the rules create are to your children’s advantage.

9. Plan ahead to control arguments with your spouse.

Avoid additional conflict and improve your chances for productive discussions by leaving as little to chance as possible when dealing with your high-conflict spouse.

Let’s say you’re anticipating a conversation about whether your son should be on the high school soccer team. Your spouse argues for the virtues of discipline, teamwork, and discipline, and you are concerned about the mounting evidence of concussion brain injuries sustained by high school players.

First, make sure the scope of the discussion is clear. Then take some time before the argument to understand your spouse’s position. You may realize that your spouse is not just arguing for the sake of arguing, but actually believes that his child would benefit from the experience.

During the discussion, use that understanding to help you treat your spouse with empathy and respect. For example, you might recognize the benefits of discipline and teamwork, but suggest another sport that offers them just as many health risks.

10 Never say die!

Don’t be overwhelmed by the obstacles to good parenting that a high-conflict divorce will put in your way. Never stop trying to protect your children. At the very least, acting in the best interests of your children in the most difficult circumstances can only strengthen your position in court. And you just might come out of the fray a hero to your kids.