Happy Thanksgiving 2006

Barbara’s story about ovarian cancer continues:

Two years have passed since my last article and I have a lot to share with you. Currently, I am sitting in my cozy little office / guest room, in my cozy home on Whidbey Island, Washington. Rosie-the-cat is reclining on the windowsill and we are both looking at the windswept trees and the dark, billowing clouds streaking across the sky. It is very beautiful and I am very grateful to be here!

When I last wrote, I had just completed eight cycles of intensive chemotherapy for advanced ovarian cancer and was in remission, ready to celebrate a very special Thanksgiving with my family. (See Articles 1 and 2 on the “Articles” page at http://www.dstress.com.) That vacation was wonderful. I was feeling healthy, I had hair, I was working and exercising and planning my retirement date (September 2005) and the subsequent move to our home in Washington. Being an inveterate and concerned list planner / creator, I organized retirement and moved an inch away from his life. I knew when my last day of work would be; how much vacation time I had on the books and what day would we be packing. John made plans to close his office and relocate his business. We were done with cancer and we were ready to move on! Well, as we all know, life has a way of not always going according to plan. We were about to have a real curve thrown at us.

In March, we took a big trip to Arizona to celebrate my birthday. On the way from Phoenix to Bisbee to visit friends, we marveled at the lush green desert, full of flowers after the recent rains. Locals told us that this beauty lasted for about two weeks before fading to gold and brown, and people had learned not to take it for granted. Well that’s true of everything, isn’t it?

The day after we returned from our vacation, a message on the answering machine said that a new suspicious mass had been found on my most recent CT scan, the one I had done before we left for Arizona. I was devastated, furious, and terrified! I screamed and ranted and screamed, scaring John and the cat. And my plans? My retirement? Are you moving to my new home? And my life? I don’t want any more surgeries, more chemotherapy! I never want to lose my hair again! I feel good and healthy, how can this be happening AGAIN? He had assumed that the first surgery and chemotherapy had worked and he was cured. But, in fact, 70-90% of people have a recurrence at some point. I just didn’t think I would be one of them. I had to completely put aside my carefully orchestrated master plan and face this challenge head-on.

June found me back at UCSF for major surgery to remove a tumor that was very close, but not in the liver. Because ovarian cancer cells tend to migrate to the spleen and gallbladder, they also remove those organs. I was fortunate to have access to one of the best surgeons in the country and postoperative reports indicated that they had completely removed all of the cancer. I used the same tools to prepare before and after the operation that I had for my first surgery and my recovery was good. I was home in five days and back to work in five weeks. I started chemotherapy in July.

On December 1, 2005, I had my last cycle of chemotherapy. Aside from a very low blood count (I was very anemic and my white blood cell count was very low), I tolerated the treatments quite well. Acupuncture, visualization, exercise, and supplements played an important role in my work to keep me as strong and healthy as possible. My hair thinned considerably, but I didn’t have to wear wigs or cover-ups. With the particular drug regimen you were taking, there is a 60% chance of hair loss. Before the treatments began, I searched the web for any product that could minimize this side effect. I found a product called EVP3 Chemaid. The website is: www.evp3.com. It provides good information and research, so I decided to give it a try. I don’t know if it was the chemaid, the different types of regimen and drug dosages, supplements, or all of the above, but I kept most of my hair. It seems such a small thing when you are fighting for your life. However, sometimes those little things make a difference in the quality of life. I felt like I looked healthier and “normal” and that translated into not feeling like a cancer patient.

The new year brought a new resolution to finally make our plans to retire and move. My labs were good, my scans were clear, and we moved to Whidbey Island in May. We have been involved in projects ever since.

The first thing on the agenda was painting the interior and exterior of the house. Just as John and I have been a good team in my healing process, we have made a good team working in our home. And it has been fun! We dug a garden with picks and shovels. We build planters and create a Zen rock garden; We plucked a huge juniper bush and planted roses and dahlias. At the end of the day, we collapsed into recliners with such a good sense of accomplishment. I’ve never used my muscles like this before. I’d be exhausted by 8pm, it was such a good kind of exhaustion. One of my favorite activities was sitting on the dirt, pulling weeds. The sun on my shoulders, the eagles flying above my head, the smell of earth, flowers, and growing things became a big part of my healing process. I visualized my immune system ripping off and “disappearing” the diseased cells from my body with each herb that I plucked. Working in the garden has become a wonderful meditation for me. I clear my mind and focus fully on the task at hand. Learning to live in the moment is an ongoing lesson, and I have to continually find a balance between ingenious planning and my natural tendency to organize the future. I have learned to appreciate each sunrise and each sunset more. I notice the rhythm of my breathing and the movement of my muscles when I walk and walk. I take some time to collect interesting pieces of wood from the beach and decorate my garden with them. I delight in the love of my family and my dear friends. I consciously practice NOT taking anything for granted and try to live each moment with joy. I have a favorite mantra that I recite to myself on my daily walks. “Thank you for all the blessings I enjoy; thank you for my health today; thank you for my family and friends; thank you for allowing me to spend time in this beautiful place; thank you for the gift of life! It would be very, very nice if abundance fell into waterfall in my life and in those I love, abundance of physical, emotional and spiritual health, and financial abundance.

I wish I could say that with all the meditation and mantras, I now lead a happy and positive life. The truth is that I have my ups and downs; my incredibly happy moments along with moments of fear, sadness and anger. I go into worry mode when it’s time for lab work and I wait for the results. I am afraid of any new pain or pain (does this mean that the cancer is back?) Sometimes I feel caught between living in the moment and wanting to plan future projects for the next year, two years from now, five years from now. And I still get mad that this happened to me, even though I’ve learned a lot of lessons over the years. One of the main lessons that I am beginning to understand is that life is an act of faith. When I was planting the garden, I mostly put out vegetables and flowers that would reward me with bouquets and harvests right away. My leap of faith in the future was planting a cherry tree. My daily prayer is to be around to enjoy the flowers and pick the cherries.

This year we will celebrate Thanksgiving in our new home. We will share our gratitude with friends and family; we will celebrate and watch football; and we will toast to health, happiness and prosperity. The garden now hibernates under a blanket of red and gold leaves. The tulips, daffodils, and hyacinths that I planted last week rest and wait until it’s time to burst into colorful splendor. And I rest, write, clean cabinets and enjoy indoor projects while I wait for spring, when I will go out to nurture and be nurtured in my garden.

For rainy days and hot fires NOW and for digging in the dirt FUTURE.

Happy Thanksgiving Day

Barbara ehlers-mason

Whidbey Island, WA