Oh, the “pulling back guy”. Some of you know instantly what I’m talking about, while others may be scratching their heads and thinking, “Huh?” Trust me, EVERYONE knows what I mean. But in the interest of starting on the same page, here’s the basic definition of “type fallback”:

When a man, who chased you at first, lessens his chase.

In its most benign form, “man throwback” will include (but not be limited to) the following behaviors:

– Call (a little) less or not call for a couple of days at a time.

– Wanting to see you (a little) less than at the beginning.

– Being (a little) cold, distant or aloof.

– Acting (slightly) less enthusiastic and sure of yourself and/or the relationship.

In its most extreme form, “type receding” can manifest in one or more of the following ways:

– Discarding you completely.

– Disappearing for a week at a time.

– By saying things like “I need space”, “I’m not sure how I feel” and “It’s not you, it’s me”.

– Putting little or no effort into maintaining the relationship or moving things forward. Basically, he withdraws.

Dealing with “guy rollback” can be one of the most frustrating and scary things a woman faces in her relationship. And, unfortunately, our natural instinct is to “get closer” to our guy. I say “unfortunately” because that is the exact opposite of what you should do. (And, more often than not, doing what comes naturally will have a disastrous result.) So here you go. Here’s how to handle “type backtracking”:

1. Minimize it: One of the basic principles of a relationship is that the slower things go in the beginning, the less your guy will back down. You know I’ve told you that it’s important not to be with your man every minute of the day? Why is it essential that you don’t give up your own life to spend time with him? Why do you need to curb how often he wants to see you and sometimes say “no”? How crucial is it not to jump every time he asks? Sisters, THIS is why. By being out of his reach and a bit hesitant, you create HEAT. You create a burning desire. Nobody likes things that are too easy to achieve; especially men. When he has to work a little to attract and hold your attention, when he has a chance to miss you, that’s when he’s much less likely to back down. So in the beginning, your job is to stay cool. Let him initiate calls, texts, and dates. Chase him. And stay busy with your life so seeing too much of it isn’t even an option.

2. The sexual factor: After sex, most men will regress to some degree. In a way, it’s a bit of a test. You’re probably wondering if you’ll act like most women before you and go all “girlfriend-y” and “relationship-y.” Again, if you have to WAIT a bit, you have to push a bit, you’re less likely to back down. No matter what happens, after having sex with a man for the first time, your job is to act like nothing has changed. You don’t start calling all the time (or answer all their calls on the first ring). You don’t get clingy or needy. He doesn’t ask for reassurance about where he stands or where the relationship is headed. Keep calm. You don’t act any different. And this will usually prevent “post-sex flashback.”

3. Don’t pressure him to back down: With the way a lot of women behave these days, it’s no wonder men back down. You’re not going to win his heart by baking him cookies, posting sweet words on his Facebook wall, or buying him stuff. In fact, the more you “give” at the beginning, the more you will regress. The same goes for saying “I love you” first, trying to pressure him into a relationship, or trying to move things along quickly. Let HIM be the initiator. Let HIM be the first to say “big words” to you. Let HIM be the one to secure a relationship. If you press, it is possible to access. But I bet that, in the not too distant future, you will have a boyfriend whose interest is starting to wane. So what should he do? You should reciprocate. You should react. You should reply. Men need encouragement and positive reinforcement. But let him lead.

4. Be encouraging, not suffocating: Your guy may very well be in withdrawal mode through no fault of your own. Perhaps you have a work deadline looming, are dealing with a disappointment or setback, or are trying to manage a crisis. If so, and everything is on track with your relationship, you’ll know. Why? Because he cares enough about you to tell you. Sure, she probably still needs his space; your own time to treat him his way. I think it was John Gray in his book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” who called this “going into the cave”. Your job is to leave it. Men are often poor at multitasking. They have trouble handling several large things at once.

This is how you deal with “crisis withdrawal”: let him know you care, and then let him handle it on his own. Say something like this: “I know (or I’m sorry) you’re dealing with/going through ___.” I’m here for you if you need me.” And then you leave him alone. Depending on the circumstances, he might hesitate to ask about it again. (Use your best judgment here.) In fact, he may back off for a bit; “to the cave”. Give him his time and welcome him without reproach when he returns. And never force him to talk about his “feelings” with you. If he wants to, he will, much more likely to do so if he doesn’t feel pressured.

5. Don’t believe the myths: when your guy is pulling away, you’ll know it. You will feel it in your gut and you will feel that something is wrong. Don’t make the mistake of listening to well-meaning girlfriends who may say things like “He’s just busy” or “He’s scared.” Here’s the truth: Men make time for what’s important to them. If he is in love, he will not spend days without contacting you. It doesn’t matter if he’s sick, overwhelmed at work, or studying for exams. No man is too busy to send a quick text or make a quick call to a woman he cares about. And men usually don’t “freak out” because they feel intensely for us. Sure they “get scared”, but usually it’s because we’ve scared them. So identify the pushback. Call him (in your mind, NOT him, please) and don’t make excuses for him.

6. When he backs up, let him… OK. Here it is; the crux of what we are talking about. You know his interest is waning. Keep calling, but not as much. He still wants to see you, but he’s less than enthusiastic. It just seems… remote. Things just seem…off. You’re not sure why, but you do know that he IS; that they are. Then what do you do? First let’s start with the opposite, what you DON’T do. DO NOT go near him. You don’t ask “What’s up?” or “Are we okay?” You don’t start baking cakes or writing poetry for her or buying her gifts. You do not initiate calls or contacts. You don’t make plans with him or ask him to meet your family. In fact, you leave all that. You go back too. I like to say this: if he wants space, give him the galaxy. Being busy. be hard to get. She’s back just out of his reach.

You sure are nice. You’re great. You are not angry, hurt, or disappointed. (Okay, you probably are, but letting him know and getting mad at him won’t do them any good.) But you let him know loud and clear, WITH YOUR ACTIONS, that his behavior is unacceptable and that you are not the girl to sit around waiting for him. And you certainly don’t want to reward their bad deeds with attention (either positive or negative). Doesn’t he call him multiple times when he says she will? Guess what you do? He goes out with your friends and you don’t call him back for a day. (Or better yet, he waits for you to call back before answering.) Are you playing, you say? Call it whatever you want. I like to think of it as showing a man how you will and will not be treated, in a language he understands.

Generally speaking, men do not respond well to women who behave emotionally and pressure them to reciprocate. They don’t like answering questions like “What’s wrong with you?” and “Why are you acting like this?” What they DO respond to is the fear of losing something important to them. Show him how important you are. And the way you do that is by giving him space, withdrawing as well, and allowing him the opportunity to miss you. Pressing it or even giving it the illusion that it’s heading towards it will cause it to shrink even more and quite possibly disappear altogether.

7. If he’s seriously pulling away, let him go: Here’s “type throwback” in its extreme form. Basically it’s the “retreat” or the “retreat” and you’re one quick step away from a “breakout”. If he’s continually canceling plans, constantly choosing everything else BUT you, and going to all kinds of lengths to distance himself from the relationship, then girl, we’ve got a problem. If he says things that imply that he doesn’t feel the same way about you or directly tells you that he needs time to think things over, then you need to let him go. It won’t surprise you that the LAST thing you want to do is try to convince him to stay. Discussing things at length or trying to negotiate some kind of resolution will do more harm than good.

So do yourself (and your self-esteem) a favor: no tears, no pleading. No banging your head against the wall trying to get him to see things your way and from his perspective. No fights or arguments. If he heads for the door, open it wide. What a blackout, midnight, not even a DARK night light. Stay away from him. And use the time to resolve that you don’t deserve someone who is willing to put you down. Do this and the odds are good that he will eventually accept it. But if (and when) he does, will you really want him more? Hmmm.

I like to think of the whole “guy withdrawal” thing as a kind of dating physics. What is that law of motion that Newton came up with? Oh right, here it is… “For every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction; or the forces of two bodies on each other are always equal and directed in opposite directions.” Those science buffs may think this is a crude analogy, but it is one that I can understand and imagine in my head. This is how it works: he backs off, you back off. He walks away from you, you walk away from him. It’s simple, really. But this is what Isaac Newton did not anticipate (at least when it comes to HUMAN bodies): responding to his recoil with an equal recoil will almost always elicit another reaction: he will once again move towards you.