Direct Answers: Column for the week of January 5, 2004

I am a captain in the Marine Corps. A year ago, my wife cheated on me with another Marine. She lived in an apartment across from Bear, which she passed every day on the way to work. She was my girlfriend at the time and she told me because she felt guilty about it. She said it only happened once.

She said she never spoke to the boy again except to tell him to leave her alone. I married her even after I found out because I love her and because I feel like everyone deserves a second chance. I have a lot of anger inside me, especially since I worked on the same basis with him. He left a while ago for another assignment, and the apartment is empty now.

My question is how do you stop thinking about it? I imagine it in my mind as a broken record. I don’t want to keep harassing my wife for this. I want to get over it and move on. But I get a little sick when I think of his hands on her. I wonder if he will do it again and I wonder if I’m not good enough, especially in bed.

To be honest, I don’t know why she cheated, other than that she wasn’t happy with the money and with moving to a new base. She said she loved him from the moment she saw him and that he was the most handsome man she had ever seen. I am so insecure about this that it is unreal. I never did and never would cheat.

Monty

Monty, forty years ago Roy Orbison sang: “It breaks your heart in two, knowing that it has been false.” Today Puddle of Mudd sings, “… I have to find a way to get the knife off my back.” Forty years from now, someone else will be singing the same story, and it will sound like the same old broken record.

Even when you no longer see this man’s empty apartment, looking at his wife will be a reminder of what happened. The who, when and where does not matter. What matters is that none of the reasons he gave you justifies cheating. What matters is that you rewarded the one who caused you pain with a wedding. Now he has made pain a part of his life full time.

She gave you a losing ticket and you gave her the prize. Your anger is just the flip side of the fear that I will do it again. You tried to avoid the pain of losing her, but once she cheated on you, she was already gone. You needed to get over that pain and move on with someone who was faithful. Roy Orbison’s 1964 song title “It’s Over” contains your answer.

Tamara

Rewired

Our divorce will be final in five weeks. My wife blames me for everything that went wrong in our relationship and I admit that some things were my fault. However, during the time we were together, not once did she say she was sorry or that she understood where it came from.

Foolishly, I still feel obligated to her. She calls and asks me for favors. She starts to speak kindly, then tells me that I am a horrible person. I leave these conversations feeling emotionally and spiritually drained. I don’t want to say hurtful things to him, but I need this to stop. I guess a part of me is still waiting for reconciliation.

Ozzie

Ozzie, your cables are crossed. Abuse and love are opposites. Once you uncross the wires, your whole perspective will change. It will shed light on both new and old relationships. For the next five weeks, be honest with yourself. Once the divorce is final, change your phone number. Your wife has given you a great gift, the opportunity to discover what love really is.

Wayne