We begin to learn early in our lives about facial expressions of body language.

“A key task of social life is to understand the motivational and affective states of others, and the signals of those states can often be drawn from facial expressions (Fridlund 1992).”

The entire attachment process that occurs between moms and dads and newborns is carried out through body language, since babies, unless they are extraordinarily gifted, cannot speak.

If I remember my Allen Schore correctly, the baby’s brain develops as a result of social interactions with caregivers, which means facial expressions and chatter, so how we look at the baby and how we talk to him is incredibly important.

An insecure attachment, for example, is one of the markers Donald Dutton has observed for adult men who commit domestic violence.

An insecure attachment means that those males are flooded with anxiety when they perceive that their partner is leaving, and any distracted look on their face will serve as a signal, and one way to not have that painful internal response is to keep the partner as a cell. .

So the process of paying attention to facial expressions begins early in life, and it would seem that we, as parents and infants, indicate facial expressions to each other in a process called mirroring.

Schore talks about some signals from the participants in this communication that tell the participants that the communication is progressing well.

The first is the presence of a foveal flare, which means that the eyes of those involved are moist and shiny. The next sign is the dilation of the pupils.

If you see those physiological signals from the baby, you and the child are connecting and brain development is happening, and if you could look in the mirror, your eyes will probably look the same as the baby’s eyes.

Skip ahead a bit with the work of Paul Ekman, Ph.D. who has been studying facial expressions for 30 years.

Ekman says there are seven basic facial expressions;

SADNESS: The eyelids droop when the inner corners of the eyebrows are raised and, in extreme sadness, they come together. The corners of the lips are pulled down and the lower lip may pout.

SURPRISE: The upper eyelids and eyebrows are raised and the jaw opens.

ANGRY: Both the upper and lower eyelids tighten as the eyebrows lower and meet. Intense anger also raises the upper eyelids. The jaw pushes forward, the lips are pressed together, and the lower lip can be pushed up a bit.

HAPPY: This is the only expression that appears on only one side of the face: the middle of the upper lip is pulled up.

ASCO: The nose is wrinkled and the upper lip is raised while the lower lip sticks out.

FEAR: The eyes open and the upper lids are raised, as if in surprise, but the eyebrows are drawn together. The lips are stretched horizontally.

HAPPINESS: The corners of the mouth are raised in a smile. As the eyelids tighten, the cheeks are raised and the outer corners of the eyebrows are pulled down.

My first exposure to the concept of body language came when I was a younger man, much more testosterone-filled than I am today, and I was interested in finding out if any of the women around me were attracted to me.

It never occurred to me to try to manipulate women, it was too difficult to be incongruous (which means to lie) for long periods of time, and as I studied the idea of ​​body language over the years, I realized that I was very skilled. to detect subtle signs of anger on the faces of the people around me, and also less sensitive to expressions of affection than I could be.

Now I watch my kids learn to mask their expressions when dad asks the tough homework questions and I feel a little sad.

It was so nice that they ran to me when they were young, with emotion and love in their eyes, and sometimes I miss those facial expressions.

In my counseling business, I look for what Ekman calls micro-expressions, which can tell me something about a person’s internal emotional state.

Micro-expressions can lead to emotions coupled with memories, and clients are often unaware of the intensity of the emotion, and exploring that intensity can free up energy for life today.

I call it “consciousness leads to choice.”

Ekman says that microexpressions can last 15-20 seconds. Compare that to an eye blink which can take a tenth of a second, which is why we communicate emotions or emotional tricks very quickly.

When I see a micro-expression, I ask about the emotion or thought that preceded it, and I have found the process of identifying body language from facial expressions to be immensely helpful in counseling.

But, like any other communication, I think it is important to verify your perceptions. If you make the decision to fall in love based on a micro-expression of attraction, you could be setting yourself up for disappointment.

So be sure to study Helen Fisher’s work on falling in love to understand the brain chemistry involved in falling in love, so that you can recognize what is happening, or could be involved in the attachment process with a baby.