The other day, I received an email from a wife who told me that her husband had been having a two-month affair with a co-worker that she only recently found out about. Of course, she was surprised, confused, and hurt. But, to make things even more confusing for her, her husband had been asking to get back into the marriage, totally committed to saving it and making all sorts of promises to fix this and make it all up. At first glance, this all sounded good to the wife, but of course she had nagging doubts. She asked me, “Why exactly do men return to their wives after an affair? Is it because they’ve been caught? Is it because the other woman has broken things? Is it because they realize that weed isn’t always is it greener on the other side of the fence?

In truth, it can be all of these things, but more commonly, it’s something a little deeper and more complicated than those things. I will explain this more in the next article.

An affair or cheating is often a plan that seems good at the time that later turns out to be what it really is: a terrible mistake: This truth is often difficult for women to understand because our thinking is so different, but often an affair is a man’s attempt to deal with issues or problems with his self-esteem. I know this both from research and from the sheer number of married men who visit my blog and write to me about what a huge mistake they made when they cheated on me.

And, most of them will say that they don’t know what the hell they were thinking and that they should have reached out to their wives because their mistake altered their lives forever. But the story they tell is one in which they felt doubtful or bad about themselves. They were under stress or down or worried about getting old or feeling like they were a failure or on a downward path instead of up. Many were not looking for an affair, but the circumstances were such that the other person was actually in the right place at the worst possible time.

Most will tell themselves that the cheating will only be one time or something fleeting that will make them feel better or relieve some of their stress and that no one will have to get hurt because no one will have to find out. Of course, the plan almost never turns out this way. People find out. People are deeply hurt. And soon, the harsh reality is impossible to ignore. The affair has only made the husband’s problems worse. She still has all the insecurities, doubts and stress, but now she’s damaged her marriage and hurt someone she was supposed to protect.

And guess what? Now her already struggling self-esteem takes an even bigger hit. She not only doesn’t feel better, but now things have gone from bad to worse. The terrible mistake of his is exposed. She can’t undo the damage, and his vulnerability and stupidity are exposed for all to see.

Men who cheated often return to their wives because they want their life back:As I said, it is often not long before it becomes apparent that there were very serious flaws in the husband’s thinking. This is the point where he panics and punches himself and starts muttering lines like “how could I have been so stupid? What the hell was he thinking?” And this is often the point where he would love to take everything back, but he realizes that he can’t.

No, you cannot retract. But if she can convince you that she’s sorry and promises to make things right and work with you to save the marriage, then maybe, just maybe, she can get her old life back. Because now it’s very clear to him that he had no idea how good he really had it. The trick, of course (and this is asking a lot) is to convince you, his wife, of this. Because you probably don’t believe much of what he says right now.

Set boundaries and get what you need to let him in: Many wives write to me and admit that they want to save their marriages, but they also admit that they just don’t trust what their husband says. This is completely understandable. You’d be foolish and self-destructive to do this and even if you could swing it, you’d probably still have doubts plaguing you.

So it’s important to define exactly what it will take to restore their trust and get their cooperation and then talk. Because if you don’t ask for this, you might not get it. And by failing to do so, you are setting yourself up for failure. If you want or need him to go to counseling, ask him to do so. If you want peace of mind and transparency, demand it. If you want to be alone for a while, then ask him to give you space. In short, you are in the driver’s seat here and you do not have to trust him or give him your cooperation until he has given you what you need to begin the healing.