Have you ever tried to have a serious conversation with someone who continually avoided the topic you were trying to broach? If so, fear not because you are far from alone. As a coach, I continually work with people on issues of deep personal growth that are of great value to the coachee. Even in this situation, there are many people who struggle to stay on topic. I always find this amazing considering that the subject they come to coaching for is themselves, what could be more important to them!

What is a deviation?

A deviation is simply a way to avoid discussing what really matters in conversation. Outsiders would often find people who divert the conversation to be quite jovial. When you approach them with a problem, comment, or question, they may happily respond with a silly and lighthearted joke related to what you are presenting. Or they can smile at you and say, how about the 49ers?

Whatever your answer, deviance is the art of skillfully and ‘seemingly’ harmlessly shifting a subject from one of greater importance to one of relatively little importance. The result: questions often remain unanswered, progress remains stunted, and a conversation never goes below the surface.

What happens when people go astray?

While I don’t have a formal education on the psychology behind why people wander, I can speak to my experience working with numerous people who ‘avoid’ certain topics like the plague. Often times, deviation is a sign that what you are bringing up is important, unresolved, and is a struggle for the person who is dealing with it. People who deviate are more comfortable internalizing these struggles than talking openly about them. For friends, family, and life coaches, this represents quite a significant challenge, as an important component to relationships, whether in social or professional circles, is open and truthful communication. How can you support a family member or coach a client who constantly diverts the conversation?

See deviations for what they are

When you are in a conversation and you are in the middle of “real life” discussions, it is quite difficult to notice a deviation if you allow the conversation to flow. It’s easy to get caught up in the conversation, especially when the baffle is coaxing the conversation with nice sayings. Because of this, it is very important to see the deviation for what it is rather than get caught up in the conversation. This is an act of awareness and requires practice. We will often miss the deviation and think later: why didn’t I say something? Remember: it takes practice, the person using deviation has probably mastered the skill for years or even decades, so you shouldn’t expect to be able to avoid all deviations right after reading an article on the subject.

Again, step 1, be aware of what is happening so that you can act.

Deflections v. A wandering mind

Before continuing, I want to make a distinction between a person who diverts the conversation and a person who has a wandering mind. When you’re training, time is limited and time costs money. If you are outside the scope of coaching and are simply having a conversation with someone, you may not be limited by time limits, so the wandering conversation may not be harmful. However, for coaches, it is important to notice deviations that divert you from the topic, as well as errant discussions, as they create a lack of focus that impedes the client’s ability to progress during the time they have together. Here is the main difference between the two:

• Deviations serve to deliberately divert the conversation from the topic.
• Deviations are used as a way to hide what is really important to someone.
• Deviations are a sign that you are touching something that the person is uncomfortable with (and may be hiding what needs to be discovered).
• Homeless people have many ideas and often lack focus.
• Homeless people are happy to get back to the topic of focus, but they really feel that it is important to share supplementary information.
• Homeless people do not avoid conversation, they prefer to speak at length about important and unimportant topics.

Again, be aware of these two trends, as either one will divert you from the topic, the methods of dealing with people who deviate, however, are very different from dealing with people whose conversation rambles (material for an article of future blog).

Strategies to overcome deviations

If you want to put an end to the seemingly endless set of detours that your partner, friend, coworker, or client seems to throw at you, you’ll have to confront that person the next time it happens. This can be difficult as I have found that most people prefer not to confront, even when the type of confrontation I am talking about is quite benign and can be done compassionately. Let me give you some examples.

Diversion tactic: switch questions

Problem – In a conversation, you ask a person a serious question (perhaps about his wishes for the future, goals, his vision), and he responds by asking you a question. One of my favorites was a client who avoided questions by letting me know what a good coach he was and asking me who my manager was so he could congratulate me.

Strategy – Let them know that you will be happy to talk about it later. Right now you are interested in them. Ask the question again.

Diversion tactic: changing the subject

Problem – You are talking to a friend, coworker, client, etc. and again you have some important questions to ask. You’ve been trying to get an answer on this for a long time. When you ask, the answer is a complete change of subject with a cheerful tone. Once again, one of my favorites was a client who went off course to talk about the Minnesota Vikings no matter what conversation we were having.

Strategy – Confront what they are doing. What do you notice happens to our conversation every time I mention x, y, z? When asked a question that confronts them on the spot what they are doing, it becomes very difficult to do more of the same (that is, my friend above would have a hard time asking me whether or not I watched the Vikings game afterward. asking that question!)

Diversion Tactic – The Joker

Problem – Every time you bring up an important topic, ‘The Joker’ responds with a devious, simple and cheerful joke. They often have a smile and make others around them smile, making them a bit more difficult to deal with.

Stragety – Appeal to their kindness and refocus. You could say it’s funny. I really appreciate your good character and humor. Now if you don’t mind, this topic is very important to look at – tell me about x, y, z.

Diversion Tactic – Excuses

Problem – You have tried to have a serious discussion with someone about a topic and every time you bring it up, instead of getting to the heart of the matter, the deflector makes excuses, tells you the story of his life and avoids what is important. for me to discuss it saying we’ll get to that later.

Strategy – Listen, recognize and ask again. The person who is avoiding a conversation by making a series of excuses is feeling overwhelmed and their priorities are not the same as yours. Usually they would be willing to have this conversation, it is just hard for them to deal with what you are talking about right now. They are indirectly letting you know that they need to be heard. They need support too, so maybe you can offer that support. Give them some space, let them vent, let them know that you understand that things are difficult. Once you have allowed them to clarify their thoughts, they may be willing to discuss the topic you are interested in discussing.